The Miraculous Tales of Tuber and Diamandis Noir
by pkpulakkmr
Summary: An AU superhero story set in Saint Petersberg where the Miraculous Tuber, who harnesses the hidden energy of potatoes, and Diamandis Noir who's dazzling diamonds reflect her strength and valor, fight to protect the city from criminals and the malevolent Enlightened.


In the streets of Saint Petersberg, there is always chaos lurking out of sight. The people enjoy their peaceful days, oblivious to their fragility.

They need a champion to protect them, and that is why I am here!

Today, the Oni are on the prowl again, plotting another heist to rob my country's people of their hope and (hopefully) legitimately earned wealth! Too bad for them, I am on to their schemes!

"Hands up!" the Oni in the blue mask yells as the patrons of the jewelry store are held up. The other Onis in red masks are busy dumping their ill-gotten precious metals and gemstones into their rucksacks before they make their getaway.

Just as they turn around to leave, however, they are shocked to find me standing in their way.

"Halt!" I scream. "Return those valuables, thieves! They do not belong to you!"

"Gah!" one of the red Onis yells, "It's the Miraculous Tuber again!"

The blue Oni coolly walks towards me, and speaks,

"I have been expecting you, Tuber. A foolish youth such as yourself would always want to force his misguided idealism upon the Enlightened. But you're no match for me!"

Suddenly, blue bolts of death shoot towards me, and I can barely dodge them, holding on for dear life. See, this is the part the bad guys don't know, I'm mostly just making things up as I go along.

"Hah! You cannot last long in that bulky suit of yours!" a red Oni yells, and begins to throw fire-bolts at me, "Look at you, barely being able to move! You are such a fatty, hahahaha!"

Indeed, I am being pushed to my limit right now. The streets outside are in chaos due to the projectiles flying everywhere, and I need to find a way to defeat them before the property damage gets out of hand!

Fortunately, I still have my special move. These criminals won't know what hit them!

"Thieves!" I bellow, while still clumsily dodging the Onis' attacks. "You underestimate the might of the tuber! On the outside, the humble potato is stodgy, dull and brown. But underneath that plumpness lies an abundant storehouse of energy!"

It is then that the Onis begin to hesitate. Yes, they can see it, can't they? They can see the light emanating from my suit, as the plumpness of it reduces.

"You were wrong, Red Oni! I am no fatty, but I always make sure to carry as much energy as I can with me! The plumpest of tubers will power up my ultimate Special Move! HOMBRE!"

"Si!" my familiar rises up from behind me.

"Begin to synergize, hombre, and let us teach these robbers a lesson!"

My powers meld with those of Hombre's, and combine to form a converging blue beam that I shall unleash upon my foes!

"Ultimate Flashbang TAKEDOWWWN!"

A blinding light envelops the jewelry store, And as it fades away, all the red Oni lie incapacitated on the floor. Yes! Justice has prevailed! The robbers have been defeated!

"But wait, Senor!" Hombre yells. "There was a blue Oni too!"

"You're right! But where could he-GYAAAAAH!"

I find myself frozen in place, as the blue Oni reveals himself. Or rather, _herself_!

"Ice Maiden!" I yell, "You were behind all this!"

"Yes, it was I!" the Maiden bellows and throws away her mask.

I cannot believe it. A confrontation with the dreaded Ice Maiden at last?

She is an irresistible woman, with a glorious blue suit of armor made of ice, a blond mane, and hypnotically seductive eyes. When I had embraced my destiny as a hero, I promised myself that would resist her allure to the bitter end!

But now that I find myself face to face with her, I find that keeping to my promise is easier said than done.

"Oh, Miraculous Tuber." she smiles sweetly, but I can detect the triumph in her voice, "You fought well, you really did. But it is futile to oppose me. Besides, why would you? I am an Enlightened after all. I know all too well that this world is too imperfect, that it needs a Cleansing to wipe away the impurities. So join me and help bring about a glorious Rebirth!"

"Never!" I yell, "I will never allow you to Cleanse away the people I grew up with or the innocents I've sworn to protect! Your Rebirth will do nothing but doom us all!"

"Your lips continue to say no, but what does your heart say?" she places a hand on my chest. And it is as if I have been immobilized, unable to struggle anymore.

"Yes, I sense the conflict within you. You too desire a utopia, do you not? A world where humanity is freed from all sin? Where you are freed of all worry? You just lack the resolve to pay the necessary price, but I can help you find it! After all, you would like to be with me, would you not?"

"N-ngh!"

"The heart never lies, Miraculous Tuber, and I am ready to accept you too! So please, accept my kiss and join me! Let us both erase this rotten world and bring about a paradise for ourselves together!"

Her lips are approaching mine, and I cannot move. This is bad, if she kisses me, her taint will haunt me forever! I will forever be bound to her! And though she is right, though I am tempted and I do covet her, I cannot let this temptation override my commitment to justice!

But I can't move, and her lips keep getting closer! At this rate, I'll…I'll…

"NOT SO FAST!"

A blinding light envelops me, and I hear Ice Maiden shriek as she's blown away from me. I am then confronted with a shimmering sight.

A lady, clad in a diamond-studded costume of pure white, descends upon the scene and stares down Ice Maiden!

"Y-you! It's you!" I yell.

"Yes indeed!" she turns to face me, with a cocky and reassuring smile, "For those who have jewels to pay, _Diamandis Noir_ will save the day! And lucky me, there's a whole stash of stolen diamonds right here!"

"Damn you!" the Ice Maiden yelled, "I'd almost Enlightened him! I won't let you doom his soul!"

"The only souls that are doomed," Diamandis points her finger at the Maiden, "Are of fools like you, who've given in to despair!"

"Begone, sinner! I will erase you and this putrid Sodom you protect!" Ice Maiden shoots off her blue bolts of death, but with a simple twirl, Diamandis has destroyed them all!

"Just like a tuber holds the hidden power of all the energy it stores, the diamond can reflect the energy of the world around it!" Diamandis bellows, "Look around you, Ice Maiden! The people are refusing to bow down to your Cleansing, and their energy is being reflected through me! You don't stand a chance!"

"They are simply willfully blind! But I shall take care of them soon enough, once I have destroyed you!" more blue bolts of death dart towards her, but this time, I jump to her defense and launch a Shockwave powered by my remaining energy reserves!

"Damn you, Miraculous Tuber! You should've joined me!" Ice Maiden yells and launches a barrage of her deathly cold bolts.

But the barrage cannot withstand the massive storehouse of power that I have, or the reflective capabilities of Diamandis. Soon, it becomes clear that the Ice Maiden is being pushed back, and so she yells,

"We will meet again, Tuber, and I'll Enlighten you if it's the last thing I do!"

A massive supercharged bolt heads straight for us, and Diamandis yells "GLITTER!"

Her familiar barges in front of us and lets off a huge beam of light that shatters the bolt, but in the confusion, the Ice Maiden has gotten away.

"Phew, that was a close one!" I sigh in relief as I see Diamandis Noir greeting the hapless hostages in the jewelry store.

"It's alright." she says, "You're all safe now. Now, as for my payment, a few diamonds on my suit seem to have been chuffed a little, so I'd appreciate it if you let me borrow yours."

"Oh, uh, no problem, no problem at all!" the cashier says. "Take as many as you need!"

Diamandis pockets her share as I head towards her.

"So, uh, you did a great job there, you know." I begin to blush as I start talking. Truth be told, I've been smitten by Diamandis Noir ever since I first laid eyes on her. Like the Ice Maiden, she too is beautiful, but there's that wholesomeness about her that the Maiden simply does not have. Even if her mask prevents me from remembering her face, I know that Diamandis is a savior and a hero, not a despairing marauder.

"I couldn't have done it without you, Miraculous Tuber!" she says with a smile.

"Uh...we could...we could find something else to do, before retiring. Who knows what the bad guys are up to now?" I stammer.

"Oh, Tuber." she smiles and leans close to me, "I understand how you feel, truly I do. But I don't know if mixing my personal and professional lives is a good idea."

"Ah, I see." I chuckle, but I don't think I've hidden my disappointment very well.

"There are still...issues of mine I must deal with." Diamandis says, "I need to know for myself what I want. But maybe if my answers align with yours, we could meet once more, outside the line of duty."

"Okay, then," I say, my embarrassment still showing.

"You did well, today, Miraculous Tuber. Together, we will save this city!"

And with a triumphant smile, she launches back into the sky, leaving me to pick up the pieces and head home.

* * *

The next day, I return to my life as University student Mendeleev Gonzales, a second-generation immigrant to Mother Russia. I awakened to my powers during a vacation in my family hometown of Mexico City, which was where Hombre and I made our contract. Ever since then, I've wished to protect and liberate this beautiful country my parents chose as their new home!

But of course, every superhero worth their salt needs a secret identity, so here I am, studying history so that I can take a shot at being a teacher or historian some day.

Right as I enter the campus gates of Saint Petersberg State University, I'm glomped by a familiar face!

"You're finally here! God, I waited so long!" Silvana Belicoff, my closest friend, nearly screams into my ear. "Any longer and we'd have been late for class!"

"Chill, I was busy!" I say with a chuckle as she grabs my hand and rushes forward.

"Well, I was busy too. Managing the family's jewelry business is no walk in the park, you know."

"Hehehe, I suppose so. I'm sorry I kept you waiting, though. I'll be more punctual next time."

"Mendeleev, it's not that!" Silvana stops walking for a bit, looking lost in thought.

"What do you mean?" I say, facing her.

"It's just…you know that I care about you, right? I'm not telling you to do all of this just for my sake. I want you to make the most of your time here, that's why I get so worried sometimes."

"Ah, I see. I thought you'd keep up the aloof act a little longer, to be honest." I say with a teasing smile.

"Mendeleev..." suddenly, she embraces me, and I can see the faint winter sunlight glinting off her diamond bracelet. "I...I've had a lot to think about since yesterday, you know? So I just want to be clear about this. I care about you, so please keep doing your best. I know you love taking it easy and trying to lighten the mood, but I need to make this clear."

"I see," I say, and return her embrace. "Well, thanks for caring about me. I don't know where I'd be without you if I'm being honest."

"Good," I can hear her voice cracking. "I'm glad you understand."

She then turns up to face me, "So I'm going to stand right by you and get your ass in gear whether you like it or not!"

"Deal!"

"Yeah, you're damn right it's a deal! We're friends after all! And...even when we become…"

"When we become what?"

"Oh, nothing!" Silvana says and abruptly pushes me away. "Come on, let's head to class!"


End file.
